possessions and all their grandeur

oh man, I've been convicted lately. even to the point of being convicted for not feeling convicted when I should have been before. a few messages have really challenged my attitude about the things I hold onto in life and how much I value them.

I have thought lots about living more simply. and I think that was easy for me to think because to an extent, I feel we already live simply on our meager salary [and when I say meager salary I'm referring to disposable income not spent on debts]. but what seems simple to me can be so much simpler. we have many things that we simply did not need to buy. here is an example of some of the things we own that I simply cannot justify in my own head YET still hang on to:

1. my new ipod touch
2. a wireless router
3. five guitars
4. a reputable name brand lcd tv
5. the room in my house that is not used
6. a nice car

I'm sure there's more, but I'm tired and can't think of everything. But why should I be entitled to the above list when so many people lack food, clothing, running water, and medicine? Why did I buy everything above when I could have helped these people in need?

Luke 18:22
When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

Matthew 25:31-40
31"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. 32All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

Isaiah 58:5-7
5 Is this the kind of fast I have chosen, only a day for a man to humble himself? Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed and for lying on sackcloth and ashes? Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the LORD ? 6 "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?
7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

Proverbs 21:13
If a man shuts his ears to the cry of the poor, he too will cry out and not be answered.

ok, God, I get it. I've read many of these verses before.

James 2:14-17
14What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? 15Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. 16If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? 17In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

James 1:22-24
22Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror 24and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.

ok.
ok.
ok.
so I've had to be beaten over the head a few times to get this. I've had to be beaten a few more times to actually accept it. now I need to do something. for the last 2.5 years, Kelley and I have sponsored a child in Kenya, but to me, that's not enough. it's too easy. while it seemed tough to part with the money at first, it really wasn't a huge sacrifice. it wasn't something that we had to stretch our faith on. it wasn't something that we had to sell our possessions for. it was nothing, really. maybe it makes God smirk a little, but probably not much more than that.

while some people have disagreed with me on this, I think this is something many Christians don't take seriously enough. how many times in the bible does God mention feeding/clothing/taking care of the poor? if we wanna measure this by how often it appears in the bible, it seems to be a huge deal to God - and something EVERY person who calls themselves a follower of Christ should be involved in.

why aren't we selling our possessions and giving the money to the poor? because we "need" them? because we think they bring us happiness? because we can't let go?

why should I own 5-6 jackets?
why should I own 5 guitars?
why do I need several pairs of shoes?
why do I have to eat out as often as I do?

here's where I may lose you if I haven't lost you already: some of us, if we're honest with ourselves, convince ourselves that we "need" something because we use it for the purposes of "fellowship" or "ministry".
"I need all these fancy dishes so I can feed my accountability/small group and have them over"
"I need these board/video games so I can comfort my friend when he's down by playing with him."
"I need this 5th guitar because I'm using it for God by playing worship at church"

these are terrible examples, but you get what I'm saying. and I DO think that in a few cases, things like this can be justified. but man, how can you ignore the needs of people hurting all over the world just so you can have another possession?

possessions are addicting in our society, and I think greed is subtly embedded in us from birth. I feel it all the time. in fact, I felt the urge to buy stuff today that I don't need. but the line HAS to be drawn somewhere when you say, "I cannot own this and feel ok about it when others are suffering and I could have helped."

so for the next few days, I'm thinking about what I need to do... you should too.

3 days to make it happen, 10 days to make it happen

what?

3 days: this is how long my weekend is, starting today. this is coming after 7 days of straight working, though. man, I am worn out. but a 3 day weekend is undoubtably noticably more relaxing/productive than the 2 day weekend we're all used to. especially since I feel we lose a day (in a good way) on sundays, when we spend the entire day in gig harbor/fox island. so I typically only have 1 day to get caught up on house/yard work and to actually relax. it's not really sufficient. at all. so today Kelley and I went shopping for some clothes for her... not really so much "relaxing" (I'm actually pretty worn out), but it was good to get out and do something and to not feel like I'm working. tomorrow we'll do some house/yard work and hopefully some writing. maybe play some soccer in between. and then sunday we'll go out and do our sunday usual. all this to say, I wish every weekend was a 3 day weekend. 2 is not enough to make it happen.

10 days: I think this is how long I have left on my facebook fast, which will have lasted approx 40 days at that point. I think I started sometime towards the end of March. the first few weeks were surprisingly easy. this week I've been wanting to actually log in and see what's going on. it's sad. but at the same time, this is how I know what's going on in the lives of my friends... namely those who I don't see much. the disappointing thing is, the reason I did this fast was to focus my life more on my family and my music. I don't think this objective has totally been met. I could say I've spent more time with my family, but I think a lot of it has just gone towards housework... which benefits my family I guess, so that's....good. and the music hasn't been nearly as productive as I had hoped. in the next 10 days, I hope to make this fast more worthwhile.

I'm putting myself on the line

tonight, during a good hang out with our friends Greg and Katie, I made a bold choice. Katie, who is off to a great start as a professional photographer, asked me to do her a favor. she is putting together this slide show for a wedding and found out that it costs quite a bit more than she anticipated to "use" a "real" song. to make a short story shorter, she asked me if I would be interested in writing a song to use in that slide show, and in turn, she would give me credit for the song (by using my name and such).

this is actually not my first time writing a song for a wedding.

when my sister got married in '03, she also asked me to play a song at their wedding. this song had no words, just a little doo-dad I make up that was a 3-4 minutes long. I have no recollection of the song, other than the fact that I used the same tuning used in "narcolepsy" by third eye blind. so it had a somewhat similar feel.

while I have no aspiration to be a wedding singer, I did see a few bene's (benefits) other than helping out a good friend. 1) I haven't really worked at songwriting since Noah was born and 2) this is a good opportunity to force a completed song out of myself.

I have 3 weeks to finish this, so already feeling the pressure, I started tonight. even though I don't know this couple I'm writing the song for, (and probably never will) I am still surprisingly anal about putting out a quality product - plus I don't want to make Katie look bad. so tonight I fiddled around with the acoustic. not happy with what came of it, I switched over to the les paul and came up with a riff I liked. I ended up laying a few tracks down. I think I'm off to a good start. I also finally broke down and learned how to actually use some cool effects with the software I have.

wish me luck - t minus 20 days.

like it or not, time to try something new

I am in a somewhat-constant effort to keep life fresh. whereas some people do pretty much anything to prevent change in their lives, I kind of welcome it like the proverbial breath of fresh air. it does a couple things for me - 1) keeps me from getting bored, 2) challenges me to learn and grow and 3) keeps me from getting more comfortable than I should be. I would say #1 is definitely the main drive behind it, though.

Even still, I have sporadic desires to re-live the past - and actually repeat things I've done before and feelings that I've felt before. there are certain good things I've experienced in my life that I find myself holding onto with a firm grip. these experiences that I attempt to re-create have dug themselves into a semi-permanent place in my heart; I can't really find an alternate method of coping than trying to manipulate the variables in my life to what once was. of course, as one might predict, it is never quite the same.

there are a few things I'm referring to: certain friendships, high school life, college life, experiences being outdoors in washington, experiences in california, experiences on vacations I've taken, and experiences playing music, to be vague and brief. I know that everyone has these memories they cling to and cherish. they might even be as old as childhood. but the truth is, as I catch myself reminiscing, I have to remember that new great memories are being created in the present. and if I spend too much time thinking about the past, I'll miss out on everything great happening in front of my face.

I've come to recognize that when I feel that my life is becoming stale, it's because I'm living in the past. in fact, I realized that just now as I was writing that last sentence [I am humbled by how dense I am sometimes]. but, when I attempt to re-create the past, I am not making the most of what I have now - which is tragic.

up on the horizon, there are a few variables that may need to change. among those that seem the most pressing and impactful are looking for a different church - one with more people in a similar demographic, similar dreams/goals/passions/priorities/etc. I'm not quite sure that kind of place exists locally - we'll see. of course, those aren't the only factors we're considering, just an example. what we'd be leaving behind is 9-10 years of a church where we've been loved, mentored, and challenged by older generations - where we experienced major spiritual growth during our formative years - where we've served in music and youth ministries for 7 years - where we've made some great friends - where we've had the opportunity to mentor and love students and watch them grow up - where we've made great memories. it's not an easy thing to even think about.

from Ecclesiastes 3:

there is a "season for every activity under heaven..."
"a time to plant and a time to uproot"
"a time to keep and a time to throw away"

I don't know what lies ahead for my family, but I do recognize that we need to live life in the present. that we need to always be fresh. that we need to grow to thrive. that we need change in our lives like a splash of cold water in the face every now and again.

we will keep moving forward.

whatever this is, I don't like it.

it's been awhile. life has been busy. work, youth group trips, house cleaning, baby preparing... it seems like the last couple weeks have been somewhat of a whirlwind. so I've been tired a lot.

additionally... I'm experiencing some mild health issues that have made life less than pleasant this last... oh several months. I've told a few people about this, but I've been experiencing some GI (gastrointestinal) issues. when I've told people this, they're like "oh, you have gas". No. I don't have gas (any more than usual anyway). I believe what I have is gastroparesis (or dysmotility). I've done some research and the signs and symptoms involved are pretty much exactly what I'm experiencing: constant nausea, feeling full after only eating a few bites of anything, belching, and feeling full for SEVERAL hours after eating. if my self-diagnosis is correct, my digestive system is unable to process food at a normal rate, which leads to the symptoms I listed. this morning I was full to the max after having a small glass of orange juice.(see my earlier entry about eating a hot dog). at first I thought it was one of those "sympathy pains" that soon-to-be dads experience with their pregnant wife. I don't believe that is the case now. pretty sure it's my own weird thing. in either case, I am going to the doctor about it tomorrow. I've been able to tolerate it recently with the addition of acidophilus (found in yogurt and dietary supplements) in my diet.

there's also this ongoing situation at work that I'm struggling with - I'm trying to find a delicate balance between desiring justice and letting go of my pride. I don't really want to go into details here, but if you really want to know the whole story, feel free to email me. but I could use some prayer in this arena for discernment and wisdom. I wrote a new song tonight that ties into this situation. this will probably be song #2.

in other news, Noah is due in a week and that's exciting. I'm a little nervous with how I'll do in the delivery room. we'll see. the other thing I'm stoked about it putting out an ep this summer. I'm hoping that if I can get at least 1 or 2 more songs written in the next month or two, I can work on recording them and put out a small cd this summer. I am really, really hoping to make it happen by then and maybe playing a few small shows and maybe recruiting a band to play these songs with. I could use some prayer in this arena as well. in fact, this whole journal entry is one big prayer request.

yup. one big prayer request.

the inexpressible

tonight I had some spare time. like an hour and a half or so. not terribly common these days. I thought about working on some music, but I decided I would immerse myself in other peoples' music for awhile. I've found that in my load of itunes gift cards that I got over the holidays/my birthday, I've downloaded quite a bit of coldplay. I'm really diggin the viva la vida album. and the artwork on the album cover...totally a perfect match for the feel of the music on that record. I'm skeptical to use the word brilliant, but whatever the next lower synonym in your vocabulary is - that's what it is.

man, I want to write songs that give take you somewhere. I feel like great songs, especially "lovers in japan/reign of love" and "lost!" (and other non-coldplay songs) totally release a different part of you - release every alter ego you have. they release you from the bounds of your physical location. you could be anywhere. I don't even know if that makes sense. I probably sound like I'm on drugs. it's hard to express the inexpressible. unfortunately, even if I am ever able to create this for other people with my music, I don't know if it would have the same effect on myself. I have this thing that whenever I read something out loud in a group setting I am unable to retain most of what I am reading. I think it's the same with music. I can't feel for myself what I want others to feel with what I create.

but that's what is so beautiful about art. you feel different realities. there are these songs, paintings, photos, films, writings, that use your imagination to take you away while everything else fades to white noise. to me, there are few better things we experience in the human life.

back to the basics...

I think that for the believer that has been on the journey of faith for awhile, it's easy to get sidetracked. for me, it's always been easy to be sidetracked by worship music, specific theological opinions on various topics, making sure my testimony "sounds good", fellowship with others, caring for the poor and needy, making sure my high school students feel cared for, etc. sometimes I feel like I haven't even done these things well due to other distractions in my life, but this is what I've tried to do.

those are all great things, but sometimes I've even forgotten WHY I am doing all this. they seem like good things to do in and of themselves, so I don't always remember the greater purpose. I just want to do those things "right" and I think that I sometimes deceive myself by believing that they ARE the greater purpose. I think that's easy to do because so much faith-based media focuses heavily on those things. there are cds, videos, books, and all kinds of stuff that focuses on different aspects of living the christian life outwardly.

these practical outward-based acts of faith are great, but without a clean, pure, and obedient heart, you are just a nice guy. the inward acts of faith are just as important. so another way that I am trying to get back to basics is through simple obedience. I've been seeing that word in various shapes and forms over the past few months, and I'll admit, I've ignored it to an extent. ok, a huge extent. in fact, let's be honest, sometimes I've ignored it all together. last night I explained my lack of obedience as doing what God doesn't want me to do and NOT doing what he does want me to do. I've got the double-whammy on disobedience. in what regards, you might ask? well, obeying in prayer, reading the bible, giving cheerfully (not just tithing), and talking to people. and then in things I should be staying away from: envy, lust, and pride* sometimes I write off acts of obedience as not practical, not me, and not really being from God. I think that over time, my heart that was once malleable has become hardened significantly. I have recognized that faith is terribly inadequate without obedience. I wish I could give that statement more weight. no matter how well I live in other regards, my faith is fake without obeying. so is yours.

so I am on the road to recovery.


* a side note on pride. pride is a funny thing. I don't consider myself a prideful guy. I don't get mad when I lose something and I don't usually have a difficult time admitting when I am wrong. but I do struggle with feeling superior about musical ability, my education level, and oddly enough, my income. I don't even make that much money, that's the funny thing. but these things do get the best of me in terms of pride. in fact, on second thought, my musical ability and education level aren't that great either. and the part that's hard to swallow sometimes is that God can take each and every one of those things away from me at any moment. they are, indeed, blessings to be used wisely, not things to be proud of.

leaps and bounds

I have a tendency to want to blog after my wife says, "I'm ready for bed". I don't think she likes it.

Today, Kelley had a baby shower at her parents house in Gig Harbor. this gave me a rare opportunity to record some vocals on s.o.s. I feel like I have to be alone when I record vocals because 1) I mess up enough to where it would be annoying to listen to me sing the same thing over and over and 2) I'm kinda self-conscious about my singing anyway. so I like to be alone in the house while doing it. the only time that really happens is if I get home from work really early. and if I get home early from work it's because I went in to work super early. which translates to a nap. I don't usually feel up to recording on such occasions.

anyway, I got more recorded on the guitar tracks, which is good - because it takes awhile to get everything setup and I usually am too lazy to do it. guitars are done all the way through the second verse. way awesome. I also tracked vocals on the first verse and first chorus, and even some vocal harmony was tracked today. the song really grew by leaps and bounds today, which gets me really stoked.

so my friend Spencer told me that in the last couple weeks he's recorded 7 songs. I was like... umm...7? I don't know if its just that I'm a perfectionist? it can't be that because the finished product isn't gonna be professional quality by a long shot. but he's not doing the vocals on his songs. maybe that's it... yeah, we'll say that's it.

to summarize, I feel optimistic. I feel like progress is being made. it's coming at a sacrifice, of course. the baby's room still needs work. crap. I picked a real good time to be motivated to get some music recorded. ok, have to go to bed now.

smells like...

...fruity shower gel. why? because I'm wearing it on my hands and pants. why? let me explain: tonight we were out picking up a few things at home depot, petsmart, and other places in the tacoma central plaza. one such place was bath and body works. Kelley heard about some crazy $3 shower gel sale so we went. I'll admit, I'm kinda into smelly stuff. smelling is one of my 2 favorite senses, actually. it might even be my favorite. I bet most of you have never even considered a favorite sense. I'm one step ahead of ya. anyway, so we go into the store and I pick up a random scent that looks like it might smell good. I squeezed the bottle a little, and out comes like 2 ounces of shower gel overflowing on the outside of the bottle. I figured: someone might buy this and it'll look like someone else bought it, used it in the shower, and returned it. in my effort of nicety, I decided I would clean the bottle up so it would look unused again. so I wiped it on my hand. it was way too much still, so I wiped the excess on my jeans. now I smell like fruity shower gel and you know all about it. but whoever buys that bottle won't know there was an accident. which is a plus, I suppose.

so then I came home and worked on the song. a previous blog said the title was "watching a sinking ship" and that the title wouldn't change. the title is now "s.o.s.". I lied. it changed. many of the lyrics, (especially the chorus) have changed significantly, so I felt it merited a title change. still excited about it, but I feel like it's not going to appeal to as many people as I thought it would initially. here's why: I didn't want it to be predictable all the way through, so there's some added "unpredictableness". I put that in quotes because some of you might hear it and say, "I knew exactly how that song was going to progress all the way through". well, if that is you when you hear it someday, you are special.

in other news: I ate a hot dog today that took me almost 8 hours to digest. my toes are freezing. I miss california recently.

thanks for reading. some of these blogs will actually be more serious. feel free to leave comments on these blogs. I welcome interaction.

argh...

so my goal was to have this song done by today. not surprisingly, it's not done. it seemed like an attainable goal on Saturday, but I'm still way behind schedule. I could list a thousand reasons why, but I won't - I'll spare you and myself. argh.

but there is a silver lining in all this. upon trying to piece together different parts of the song last night, I realized that something wasn't working. I eventually gave up, turned the computer off, and went to bed frustrated. then, right before I clicked off the lamp on the nightstand, it hit me: the song needs some major revisions. luckily, it seemed to be an easy fix. I wanted to run downstairs, start up the computer, grab the guitar, and throw the headphones on, but I knew I could retain this idea at least for 24 hours. and my wife would have been upset.

so tonight I went to record the new version. I like it even better than the original. the best part is, I think the other parts of the song will fit together nicely and I see melodies developing more naturally. blah, blah, blah... you probably couldn't care less....

some people have asked about the song... mainly about the lyrics. well, parts of the song are still under revision... lyrics may still get cut or added, so I won't share those here yet. but the name of the song (which won't change) is "watching a sinking ship".

I think I'm done for the night... for one reason or another my computer doesn't seem to have the memory available to playback what I've recorded so far without skipping. I wanted to punch it. sometimes violence actually IS the answer... at least in the case of this particular computer.

on different note, I had a good talk tonight with my friends Randy and Spencer about music, movies, and inappropriate themes and messages therein. and how we as Christians tend to steer away from them, even though they often reflect what people in this world are really thinking/saying/doing and therefore helping us relate to what people are going through. and how some can even be viewed as more of an "art form" or expression even though they can contain vile content. it's hard though, because the bible says "guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (proverbs 4:23). and I believe that very strongly. but I also think some of these expressions can even inspire God-fearing, God-honoring art. as with many philisophical conversations, we didn't really draw any revolutionary conclusions. so I think I'm gonna go revise my song and drop in some f-bombs and other explicit content, if for no other reason than because I'm mad at my computer.

the "value" in productivity

today was an arguably productive day. I got to work at 0630, clocked in, and essentially single-handedly ran a study through its first day. while I had to be reminded of a couple tasks (maybe 2 or 3) from my manager, I felt like I had done a pretty dang good job. now if you ask any clinical research coordinator, completing Day 1 of a study is no walk in the park - especially by yourself. after completing and overseeing several procedures, I attended a teleconference, answered some queries, send a fedex package of ECGs, attended a "going away party" for a manager, and even bought some apple juice at Albertson's, (it WAS work related - and no, not for the going away party). juggling this on top of several small, yet VERY important tasks was a big deal. run down and exhausted, I had completed everything I was supposed to do and out the door by 1530 (3:30pm). so yes, I am using this space to give myself the proverbial pat on the back.

but at what cost did all this come? we can start with the breakfast I didn't eat, the valuable nutrition therein, the depletion of any energy I had (and some I didn't), and the obvious answer - time I could have spent developing my craft. by the time I got home, I crashed for about 2 hours before heading to a family dinner at my sister's, leaving just enough time to write this, go to bed, and wake up tomorrow to do it all over again. all this for a day's pay.

while I enjoy doing my job well, sometimes I want to quit this job and just write. I just want to get up, drive somewhere, and write. sure, I can be productive at work - but when I am, I lose productivity at home. I may climb one rung higher on the ladder at work, (albeit, a non-pay-increasing rung [a little bitter, maybe]) but lose a rung on the homefront. at home, there's still painting to be done. still yardwork. still blinds to hang. still dishes to wash. there's 10 loads of laundry that could be done. there's a cat box to clean. there is a pregnant wife to take care of. it all compounds daily. but then, wait. wasn't I working on writing a song too?

I can be productive at work. I can be productive at home. some days I can do both without collapsing. I need a maid, I think. I need to shoot my cat. sorry, unrelated thought as I hear him digging his claws into our furniture....

the point is, it would be nice to be productive in ways I want to be productive and not just in ways that I need to be. the thing I hate about time, is something is always sacrificed at its expense. in my case, it's the things that don't pertain to my survival or health. sorry music, no time today. maybe tomorrow.

many ideas, little time

that phrase describes me in several different contexts. I know a few people who embody that statement even more than I do (cough Andy J). I expect, and have already seen, that posts will begin to come out exponentially less frequently over time. in fact, I posted 2 blogs back to back - and this third one is barely creeping in a few days later. I have only a little time to get this one posted though, so I should say what I need to say (no reference to John Mayer) and get on with what I need to do.

last night I wrote, surprisingly fast, a song that I am excited to share someday soon. I actually stole the idea from myself, if that's possible. it was a song that I had started writing lyrics to several months ago and only got about 4-5 lines written before I gave up and went to bed. last night, I revisited that song and thought, "hmm... I'm gonna take this concept and go an entirely different direction". the song was initially based on the idea of watching someone basically self-destruct and make poor choices. I still think that's a relevant topic and that idea will probably make its way into another song someday. but I took the same "metaphor" so-to-speak and applied it to my previous journal entry on here. to finish the lyrics to this already-started song took less than 10 minutes I think and I am pleased with the results. I have this "rule" that I don't share works-in-progress with anyone (including my own wife) and I showed it to Kelley last night. it's a big step for me, since songs I write usually end up locked away in this "private sanctuary" indefinitely - mostly because I usually don't finish them.

after fiddling around with the guitar a bit and thinking about the metaphor and lyrics, I got this idea for the music, which I recorded last night. I'm stoked because I feel like the song is quickly taking shape and because I actually think it's somewhat "good". the music isn't all recorded just yet - I'm still working on what sounds best where, and I may have to do some fooling around to see which guitar will best create the sound/ambiance I'm after. it's nice to have options! I may also need to borrow/purchase some extra equipment. I may even use one of my kitten's toys as an instrument. hopefully that peaked some interest :). I'm hoping to finish the song by Friday and maybe even put it on myspace this weekend? I don't know. I'm crossing my fingers. I also need to finish some painting in Noah's room. man, I really need to make good time management decisions this week... I hate time management, but I need to let it be my friend.

so many ideas, so little time.

living a counter-culture lifestyle

it's hard to do something unnatural. it's hard to go against what you've been taught all your life. and it's hard to try to explain something to someone who just doesn't get it. the hardest thing, though, is to just do it and have faith. I believe Jesus led a counter-culture life and calls us to do the same in one way or another.

maybe the fact that I've always been different (at least my outer appearance) has created a desire to differentiate myself as much as possible. with the exception of my adolescence, I've always had this desire to do things differently. but I haven't followed through. my fear is I've wasted years where I could have been living this out. from high school, I pursued a bachelor's degree from a university and later a career, and thus, setting me on the "fast track" to success and living the american dream. not exactly what I wanted. I don't want a house in the suburbs, to work a Mon-Fri 8-5 job, to take family ski vacations, take my kids to baseball practice, and to buy a minivan. don't get me wrong, I am not anti-family, (or anti-minivan). I just don't want to wonder what a life outside the box could be like.

I don't regret those experiences on the fast track -they've given me great memories and have stretched me in ways I didn't think I could be. so here I am at 26 thinking I've done it all wrong for the last 8 years. but no. God knew how to meet my needs for those 8 years, and he found it best to use them that way. now though, I want to jump the track and do something real... something that makes me feel alive. something that makes me uncomfortable. and something that accomplishes something grand.

for the last 9 years, I've been passionate about music. and I've been saying, man I want to do something with that. for the last 9 years, I've been searching for how to fulfill musical ambitions and still stay on the "fast track" because I subconciously made music a backup plan instead of a "real career". so I played at home, I played at church, I played at college, I played at peoples' houses, I played at coffee houses, did a few gigs with a few bands, and did some professional recording... all the while playing other peoples songs or worship songs. in all this, I was never fulfilled. in my heart, I knew what I needed but was too scared and lazy to make it a reality. now at 26, I have decided to pursue my own music realizing that to really do it, I have to jump off the fast track. this is why I am afraid to come to grips with it:
1) what if I don't do it? what if I just talk it up and then let it slip through my hands? wasted dreams.
2) how do I reconcile this with my family? how will my wife and son be supported? how will I handle not being with them a great deal of the time?
3) how will I explain it to my parents/in-laws who might not understand living on faith?
4) what if I don't succeed at it? what if no one likes the music?
5) what if I have no idea what I'm talking about and I was actually meant to be an accountant for the next 40 years?

but this is what I need to do: I need to write, I need to travel, I need to play, I need to meet new people, I need to live under faith, I need to get away from corporate ladders and 401k's.

I need to change my life so I can aid in changing the lives of others and fulfill what I was made to do. right now, there is nothing scarier to me.

beginnings

I need a place to process my thoughts. I've found that to best process and analyze the things that go through my mind, it's best to write them out. I cannot always say exactly what I want to communicate, so I don't - and before you know it, the thought is gone.

I have so many incomplete thoughts. one thing that my brain has learned to overcompensate for is a lack of time - it's like everything is an emergency because before you know it, you'll die, or the world will end. seriously. there is not enough time to process every thought to completion, not enough time to read everything thoroughly. there is not enough time to do everything. there is so much competition for your time and it is a valuable commodity. or at least this is my view of the world. I think it's less extreme than I'm making it sound here. the point is, I aim to finish thoughts and draw conclusions on topics that I wouldn't otherwise give a second...well...thought.

ambition and recovery seem to be recurring themes in my life right now. there is a lot I want to do and a lot I want to recover from. in some cases, the recovery needs to happen before the ambition can be realized. recovery from what? from selfishness, laziness, apathy, envy, desire for material gain - every sin that the human race struggles with. my ambitions are simple: to do something big and meaningful, to show kindness and humility to friends and strangers, to be a better husband/father, to give God the opportunity to speak to me (and to listen), and to make the most of the musical passions He's given me.

more to come.