it's been awhile. life has been busy. work, youth group trips, house cleaning, baby preparing... it seems like the last couple weeks have been somewhat of a whirlwind. so I've been tired a lot.
additionally... I'm experiencing some mild health issues that have made life less than pleasant this last... oh several months. I've told a few people about this, but I've been experiencing some GI (gastrointestinal) issues. when I've told people this, they're like "oh, you have gas". No. I don't have gas (any more than usual anyway). I believe what I have is gastroparesis (or dysmotility). I've done some research and the signs and symptoms involved are pretty much exactly what I'm experiencing: constant nausea, feeling full after only eating a few bites of anything, belching, and feeling full for SEVERAL hours after eating. if my self-diagnosis is correct, my digestive system is unable to process food at a normal rate, which leads to the symptoms I listed. this morning I was full to the max after having a small glass of orange juice.(see my earlier entry about eating a hot dog). at first I thought it was one of those "sympathy pains" that soon-to-be dads experience with their pregnant wife. I don't believe that is the case now. pretty sure it's my own weird thing. in either case, I am going to the doctor about it tomorrow. I've been able to tolerate it recently with the addition of acidophilus (found in yogurt and dietary supplements) in my diet.
there's also this ongoing situation at work that I'm struggling with - I'm trying to find a delicate balance between desiring justice and letting go of my pride. I don't really want to go into details here, but if you really want to know the whole story, feel free to email me. but I could use some prayer in this arena for discernment and wisdom. I wrote a new song tonight that ties into this situation. this will probably be song #2.
in other news, Noah is due in a week and that's exciting. I'm a little nervous with how I'll do in the delivery room. we'll see. the other thing I'm stoked about it putting out an ep this summer. I'm hoping that if I can get at least 1 or 2 more songs written in the next month or two, I can work on recording them and put out a small cd this summer. I am really, really hoping to make it happen by then and maybe playing a few small shows and maybe recruiting a band to play these songs with. I could use some prayer in this arena as well. in fact, this whole journal entry is one big prayer request.
yup. one big prayer request.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
the inexpressible
tonight I had some spare time. like an hour and a half or so. not terribly common these days. I thought about working on some music, but I decided I would immerse myself in other peoples' music for awhile. I've found that in my load of itunes gift cards that I got over the holidays/my birthday, I've downloaded quite a bit of coldplay. I'm really diggin the viva la vida album. and the artwork on the album cover...totally a perfect match for the feel of the music on that record. I'm skeptical to use the word brilliant, but whatever the next lower synonym in your vocabulary is - that's what it is.
man, I want to write songs that give take you somewhere. I feel like great songs, especially "lovers in japan/reign of love" and "lost!" (and other non-coldplay songs) totally release a different part of you - release every alter ego you have. they release you from the bounds of your physical location. you could be anywhere. I don't even know if that makes sense. I probably sound like I'm on drugs. it's hard to express the inexpressible. unfortunately, even if I am ever able to create this for other people with my music, I don't know if it would have the same effect on myself. I have this thing that whenever I read something out loud in a group setting I am unable to retain most of what I am reading. I think it's the same with music. I can't feel for myself what I want others to feel with what I create.
but that's what is so beautiful about art. you feel different realities. there are these songs, paintings, photos, films, writings, that use your imagination to take you away while everything else fades to white noise. to me, there are few better things we experience in the human life.
man, I want to write songs that give take you somewhere. I feel like great songs, especially "lovers in japan/reign of love" and "lost!" (and other non-coldplay songs) totally release a different part of you - release every alter ego you have. they release you from the bounds of your physical location. you could be anywhere. I don't even know if that makes sense. I probably sound like I'm on drugs. it's hard to express the inexpressible. unfortunately, even if I am ever able to create this for other people with my music, I don't know if it would have the same effect on myself. I have this thing that whenever I read something out loud in a group setting I am unable to retain most of what I am reading. I think it's the same with music. I can't feel for myself what I want others to feel with what I create.
but that's what is so beautiful about art. you feel different realities. there are these songs, paintings, photos, films, writings, that use your imagination to take you away while everything else fades to white noise. to me, there are few better things we experience in the human life.
Friday, February 6, 2009
back to the basics...
I think that for the believer that has been on the journey of faith for awhile, it's easy to get sidetracked. for me, it's always been easy to be sidetracked by worship music, specific theological opinions on various topics, making sure my testimony "sounds good", fellowship with others, caring for the poor and needy, making sure my high school students feel cared for, etc. sometimes I feel like I haven't even done these things well due to other distractions in my life, but this is what I've tried to do.
those are all great things, but sometimes I've even forgotten WHY I am doing all this. they seem like good things to do in and of themselves, so I don't always remember the greater purpose. I just want to do those things "right" and I think that I sometimes deceive myself by believing that they ARE the greater purpose. I think that's easy to do because so much faith-based media focuses heavily on those things. there are cds, videos, books, and all kinds of stuff that focuses on different aspects of living the christian life outwardly.
these practical outward-based acts of faith are great, but without a clean, pure, and obedient heart, you are just a nice guy. the inward acts of faith are just as important. so another way that I am trying to get back to basics is through simple obedience. I've been seeing that word in various shapes and forms over the past few months, and I'll admit, I've ignored it to an extent. ok, a huge extent. in fact, let's be honest, sometimes I've ignored it all together. last night I explained my lack of obedience as doing what God doesn't want me to do and NOT doing what he does want me to do. I've got the double-whammy on disobedience. in what regards, you might ask? well, obeying in prayer, reading the bible, giving cheerfully (not just tithing), and talking to people. and then in things I should be staying away from: envy, lust, and pride* sometimes I write off acts of obedience as not practical, not me, and not really being from God. I think that over time, my heart that was once malleable has become hardened significantly. I have recognized that faith is terribly inadequate without obedience. I wish I could give that statement more weight. no matter how well I live in other regards, my faith is fake without obeying. so is yours.
so I am on the road to recovery.
* a side note on pride. pride is a funny thing. I don't consider myself a prideful guy. I don't get mad when I lose something and I don't usually have a difficult time admitting when I am wrong. but I do struggle with feeling superior about musical ability, my education level, and oddly enough, my income. I don't even make that much money, that's the funny thing. but these things do get the best of me in terms of pride. in fact, on second thought, my musical ability and education level aren't that great either. and the part that's hard to swallow sometimes is that God can take each and every one of those things away from me at any moment. they are, indeed, blessings to be used wisely, not things to be proud of.
those are all great things, but sometimes I've even forgotten WHY I am doing all this. they seem like good things to do in and of themselves, so I don't always remember the greater purpose. I just want to do those things "right" and I think that I sometimes deceive myself by believing that they ARE the greater purpose. I think that's easy to do because so much faith-based media focuses heavily on those things. there are cds, videos, books, and all kinds of stuff that focuses on different aspects of living the christian life outwardly.
these practical outward-based acts of faith are great, but without a clean, pure, and obedient heart, you are just a nice guy. the inward acts of faith are just as important. so another way that I am trying to get back to basics is through simple obedience. I've been seeing that word in various shapes and forms over the past few months, and I'll admit, I've ignored it to an extent. ok, a huge extent. in fact, let's be honest, sometimes I've ignored it all together. last night I explained my lack of obedience as doing what God doesn't want me to do and NOT doing what he does want me to do. I've got the double-whammy on disobedience. in what regards, you might ask? well, obeying in prayer, reading the bible, giving cheerfully (not just tithing), and talking to people. and then in things I should be staying away from: envy, lust, and pride* sometimes I write off acts of obedience as not practical, not me, and not really being from God. I think that over time, my heart that was once malleable has become hardened significantly. I have recognized that faith is terribly inadequate without obedience. I wish I could give that statement more weight. no matter how well I live in other regards, my faith is fake without obeying. so is yours.
so I am on the road to recovery.
* a side note on pride. pride is a funny thing. I don't consider myself a prideful guy. I don't get mad when I lose something and I don't usually have a difficult time admitting when I am wrong. but I do struggle with feeling superior about musical ability, my education level, and oddly enough, my income. I don't even make that much money, that's the funny thing. but these things do get the best of me in terms of pride. in fact, on second thought, my musical ability and education level aren't that great either. and the part that's hard to swallow sometimes is that God can take each and every one of those things away from me at any moment. they are, indeed, blessings to be used wisely, not things to be proud of.
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