leaps and bounds

I have a tendency to want to blog after my wife says, "I'm ready for bed". I don't think she likes it.

Today, Kelley had a baby shower at her parents house in Gig Harbor. this gave me a rare opportunity to record some vocals on s.o.s. I feel like I have to be alone when I record vocals because 1) I mess up enough to where it would be annoying to listen to me sing the same thing over and over and 2) I'm kinda self-conscious about my singing anyway. so I like to be alone in the house while doing it. the only time that really happens is if I get home from work really early. and if I get home early from work it's because I went in to work super early. which translates to a nap. I don't usually feel up to recording on such occasions.

anyway, I got more recorded on the guitar tracks, which is good - because it takes awhile to get everything setup and I usually am too lazy to do it. guitars are done all the way through the second verse. way awesome. I also tracked vocals on the first verse and first chorus, and even some vocal harmony was tracked today. the song really grew by leaps and bounds today, which gets me really stoked.

so my friend Spencer told me that in the last couple weeks he's recorded 7 songs. I was like... umm...7? I don't know if its just that I'm a perfectionist? it can't be that because the finished product isn't gonna be professional quality by a long shot. but he's not doing the vocals on his songs. maybe that's it... yeah, we'll say that's it.

to summarize, I feel optimistic. I feel like progress is being made. it's coming at a sacrifice, of course. the baby's room still needs work. crap. I picked a real good time to be motivated to get some music recorded. ok, have to go to bed now.

smells like...

...fruity shower gel. why? because I'm wearing it on my hands and pants. why? let me explain: tonight we were out picking up a few things at home depot, petsmart, and other places in the tacoma central plaza. one such place was bath and body works. Kelley heard about some crazy $3 shower gel sale so we went. I'll admit, I'm kinda into smelly stuff. smelling is one of my 2 favorite senses, actually. it might even be my favorite. I bet most of you have never even considered a favorite sense. I'm one step ahead of ya. anyway, so we go into the store and I pick up a random scent that looks like it might smell good. I squeezed the bottle a little, and out comes like 2 ounces of shower gel overflowing on the outside of the bottle. I figured: someone might buy this and it'll look like someone else bought it, used it in the shower, and returned it. in my effort of nicety, I decided I would clean the bottle up so it would look unused again. so I wiped it on my hand. it was way too much still, so I wiped the excess on my jeans. now I smell like fruity shower gel and you know all about it. but whoever buys that bottle won't know there was an accident. which is a plus, I suppose.

so then I came home and worked on the song. a previous blog said the title was "watching a sinking ship" and that the title wouldn't change. the title is now "s.o.s.". I lied. it changed. many of the lyrics, (especially the chorus) have changed significantly, so I felt it merited a title change. still excited about it, but I feel like it's not going to appeal to as many people as I thought it would initially. here's why: I didn't want it to be predictable all the way through, so there's some added "unpredictableness". I put that in quotes because some of you might hear it and say, "I knew exactly how that song was going to progress all the way through". well, if that is you when you hear it someday, you are special.

in other news: I ate a hot dog today that took me almost 8 hours to digest. my toes are freezing. I miss california recently.

thanks for reading. some of these blogs will actually be more serious. feel free to leave comments on these blogs. I welcome interaction.

argh...

so my goal was to have this song done by today. not surprisingly, it's not done. it seemed like an attainable goal on Saturday, but I'm still way behind schedule. I could list a thousand reasons why, but I won't - I'll spare you and myself. argh.

but there is a silver lining in all this. upon trying to piece together different parts of the song last night, I realized that something wasn't working. I eventually gave up, turned the computer off, and went to bed frustrated. then, right before I clicked off the lamp on the nightstand, it hit me: the song needs some major revisions. luckily, it seemed to be an easy fix. I wanted to run downstairs, start up the computer, grab the guitar, and throw the headphones on, but I knew I could retain this idea at least for 24 hours. and my wife would have been upset.

so tonight I went to record the new version. I like it even better than the original. the best part is, I think the other parts of the song will fit together nicely and I see melodies developing more naturally. blah, blah, blah... you probably couldn't care less....

some people have asked about the song... mainly about the lyrics. well, parts of the song are still under revision... lyrics may still get cut or added, so I won't share those here yet. but the name of the song (which won't change) is "watching a sinking ship".

I think I'm done for the night... for one reason or another my computer doesn't seem to have the memory available to playback what I've recorded so far without skipping. I wanted to punch it. sometimes violence actually IS the answer... at least in the case of this particular computer.

on different note, I had a good talk tonight with my friends Randy and Spencer about music, movies, and inappropriate themes and messages therein. and how we as Christians tend to steer away from them, even though they often reflect what people in this world are really thinking/saying/doing and therefore helping us relate to what people are going through. and how some can even be viewed as more of an "art form" or expression even though they can contain vile content. it's hard though, because the bible says "guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (proverbs 4:23). and I believe that very strongly. but I also think some of these expressions can even inspire God-fearing, God-honoring art. as with many philisophical conversations, we didn't really draw any revolutionary conclusions. so I think I'm gonna go revise my song and drop in some f-bombs and other explicit content, if for no other reason than because I'm mad at my computer.

the "value" in productivity

today was an arguably productive day. I got to work at 0630, clocked in, and essentially single-handedly ran a study through its first day. while I had to be reminded of a couple tasks (maybe 2 or 3) from my manager, I felt like I had done a pretty dang good job. now if you ask any clinical research coordinator, completing Day 1 of a study is no walk in the park - especially by yourself. after completing and overseeing several procedures, I attended a teleconference, answered some queries, send a fedex package of ECGs, attended a "going away party" for a manager, and even bought some apple juice at Albertson's, (it WAS work related - and no, not for the going away party). juggling this on top of several small, yet VERY important tasks was a big deal. run down and exhausted, I had completed everything I was supposed to do and out the door by 1530 (3:30pm). so yes, I am using this space to give myself the proverbial pat on the back.

but at what cost did all this come? we can start with the breakfast I didn't eat, the valuable nutrition therein, the depletion of any energy I had (and some I didn't), and the obvious answer - time I could have spent developing my craft. by the time I got home, I crashed for about 2 hours before heading to a family dinner at my sister's, leaving just enough time to write this, go to bed, and wake up tomorrow to do it all over again. all this for a day's pay.

while I enjoy doing my job well, sometimes I want to quit this job and just write. I just want to get up, drive somewhere, and write. sure, I can be productive at work - but when I am, I lose productivity at home. I may climb one rung higher on the ladder at work, (albeit, a non-pay-increasing rung [a little bitter, maybe]) but lose a rung on the homefront. at home, there's still painting to be done. still yardwork. still blinds to hang. still dishes to wash. there's 10 loads of laundry that could be done. there's a cat box to clean. there is a pregnant wife to take care of. it all compounds daily. but then, wait. wasn't I working on writing a song too?

I can be productive at work. I can be productive at home. some days I can do both without collapsing. I need a maid, I think. I need to shoot my cat. sorry, unrelated thought as I hear him digging his claws into our furniture....

the point is, it would be nice to be productive in ways I want to be productive and not just in ways that I need to be. the thing I hate about time, is something is always sacrificed at its expense. in my case, it's the things that don't pertain to my survival or health. sorry music, no time today. maybe tomorrow.

many ideas, little time

that phrase describes me in several different contexts. I know a few people who embody that statement even more than I do (cough Andy J). I expect, and have already seen, that posts will begin to come out exponentially less frequently over time. in fact, I posted 2 blogs back to back - and this third one is barely creeping in a few days later. I have only a little time to get this one posted though, so I should say what I need to say (no reference to John Mayer) and get on with what I need to do.

last night I wrote, surprisingly fast, a song that I am excited to share someday soon. I actually stole the idea from myself, if that's possible. it was a song that I had started writing lyrics to several months ago and only got about 4-5 lines written before I gave up and went to bed. last night, I revisited that song and thought, "hmm... I'm gonna take this concept and go an entirely different direction". the song was initially based on the idea of watching someone basically self-destruct and make poor choices. I still think that's a relevant topic and that idea will probably make its way into another song someday. but I took the same "metaphor" so-to-speak and applied it to my previous journal entry on here. to finish the lyrics to this already-started song took less than 10 minutes I think and I am pleased with the results. I have this "rule" that I don't share works-in-progress with anyone (including my own wife) and I showed it to Kelley last night. it's a big step for me, since songs I write usually end up locked away in this "private sanctuary" indefinitely - mostly because I usually don't finish them.

after fiddling around with the guitar a bit and thinking about the metaphor and lyrics, I got this idea for the music, which I recorded last night. I'm stoked because I feel like the song is quickly taking shape and because I actually think it's somewhat "good". the music isn't all recorded just yet - I'm still working on what sounds best where, and I may have to do some fooling around to see which guitar will best create the sound/ambiance I'm after. it's nice to have options! I may also need to borrow/purchase some extra equipment. I may even use one of my kitten's toys as an instrument. hopefully that peaked some interest :). I'm hoping to finish the song by Friday and maybe even put it on myspace this weekend? I don't know. I'm crossing my fingers. I also need to finish some painting in Noah's room. man, I really need to make good time management decisions this week... I hate time management, but I need to let it be my friend.

so many ideas, so little time.

living a counter-culture lifestyle

it's hard to do something unnatural. it's hard to go against what you've been taught all your life. and it's hard to try to explain something to someone who just doesn't get it. the hardest thing, though, is to just do it and have faith. I believe Jesus led a counter-culture life and calls us to do the same in one way or another.

maybe the fact that I've always been different (at least my outer appearance) has created a desire to differentiate myself as much as possible. with the exception of my adolescence, I've always had this desire to do things differently. but I haven't followed through. my fear is I've wasted years where I could have been living this out. from high school, I pursued a bachelor's degree from a university and later a career, and thus, setting me on the "fast track" to success and living the american dream. not exactly what I wanted. I don't want a house in the suburbs, to work a Mon-Fri 8-5 job, to take family ski vacations, take my kids to baseball practice, and to buy a minivan. don't get me wrong, I am not anti-family, (or anti-minivan). I just don't want to wonder what a life outside the box could be like.

I don't regret those experiences on the fast track -they've given me great memories and have stretched me in ways I didn't think I could be. so here I am at 26 thinking I've done it all wrong for the last 8 years. but no. God knew how to meet my needs for those 8 years, and he found it best to use them that way. now though, I want to jump the track and do something real... something that makes me feel alive. something that makes me uncomfortable. and something that accomplishes something grand.

for the last 9 years, I've been passionate about music. and I've been saying, man I want to do something with that. for the last 9 years, I've been searching for how to fulfill musical ambitions and still stay on the "fast track" because I subconciously made music a backup plan instead of a "real career". so I played at home, I played at church, I played at college, I played at peoples' houses, I played at coffee houses, did a few gigs with a few bands, and did some professional recording... all the while playing other peoples songs or worship songs. in all this, I was never fulfilled. in my heart, I knew what I needed but was too scared and lazy to make it a reality. now at 26, I have decided to pursue my own music realizing that to really do it, I have to jump off the fast track. this is why I am afraid to come to grips with it:
1) what if I don't do it? what if I just talk it up and then let it slip through my hands? wasted dreams.
2) how do I reconcile this with my family? how will my wife and son be supported? how will I handle not being with them a great deal of the time?
3) how will I explain it to my parents/in-laws who might not understand living on faith?
4) what if I don't succeed at it? what if no one likes the music?
5) what if I have no idea what I'm talking about and I was actually meant to be an accountant for the next 40 years?

but this is what I need to do: I need to write, I need to travel, I need to play, I need to meet new people, I need to live under faith, I need to get away from corporate ladders and 401k's.

I need to change my life so I can aid in changing the lives of others and fulfill what I was made to do. right now, there is nothing scarier to me.

beginnings

I need a place to process my thoughts. I've found that to best process and analyze the things that go through my mind, it's best to write them out. I cannot always say exactly what I want to communicate, so I don't - and before you know it, the thought is gone.

I have so many incomplete thoughts. one thing that my brain has learned to overcompensate for is a lack of time - it's like everything is an emergency because before you know it, you'll die, or the world will end. seriously. there is not enough time to process every thought to completion, not enough time to read everything thoroughly. there is not enough time to do everything. there is so much competition for your time and it is a valuable commodity. or at least this is my view of the world. I think it's less extreme than I'm making it sound here. the point is, I aim to finish thoughts and draw conclusions on topics that I wouldn't otherwise give a second...well...thought.

ambition and recovery seem to be recurring themes in my life right now. there is a lot I want to do and a lot I want to recover from. in some cases, the recovery needs to happen before the ambition can be realized. recovery from what? from selfishness, laziness, apathy, envy, desire for material gain - every sin that the human race struggles with. my ambitions are simple: to do something big and meaningful, to show kindness and humility to friends and strangers, to be a better husband/father, to give God the opportunity to speak to me (and to listen), and to make the most of the musical passions He's given me.

more to come.