the "value" in productivity

today was an arguably productive day. I got to work at 0630, clocked in, and essentially single-handedly ran a study through its first day. while I had to be reminded of a couple tasks (maybe 2 or 3) from my manager, I felt like I had done a pretty dang good job. now if you ask any clinical research coordinator, completing Day 1 of a study is no walk in the park - especially by yourself. after completing and overseeing several procedures, I attended a teleconference, answered some queries, send a fedex package of ECGs, attended a "going away party" for a manager, and even bought some apple juice at Albertson's, (it WAS work related - and no, not for the going away party). juggling this on top of several small, yet VERY important tasks was a big deal. run down and exhausted, I had completed everything I was supposed to do and out the door by 1530 (3:30pm). so yes, I am using this space to give myself the proverbial pat on the back.

but at what cost did all this come? we can start with the breakfast I didn't eat, the valuable nutrition therein, the depletion of any energy I had (and some I didn't), and the obvious answer - time I could have spent developing my craft. by the time I got home, I crashed for about 2 hours before heading to a family dinner at my sister's, leaving just enough time to write this, go to bed, and wake up tomorrow to do it all over again. all this for a day's pay.

while I enjoy doing my job well, sometimes I want to quit this job and just write. I just want to get up, drive somewhere, and write. sure, I can be productive at work - but when I am, I lose productivity at home. I may climb one rung higher on the ladder at work, (albeit, a non-pay-increasing rung [a little bitter, maybe]) but lose a rung on the homefront. at home, there's still painting to be done. still yardwork. still blinds to hang. still dishes to wash. there's 10 loads of laundry that could be done. there's a cat box to clean. there is a pregnant wife to take care of. it all compounds daily. but then, wait. wasn't I working on writing a song too?

I can be productive at work. I can be productive at home. some days I can do both without collapsing. I need a maid, I think. I need to shoot my cat. sorry, unrelated thought as I hear him digging his claws into our furniture....

the point is, it would be nice to be productive in ways I want to be productive and not just in ways that I need to be. the thing I hate about time, is something is always sacrificed at its expense. in my case, it's the things that don't pertain to my survival or health. sorry music, no time today. maybe tomorrow.