possessions and all their grandeur

oh man, I've been convicted lately. even to the point of being convicted for not feeling convicted when I should have been before. a few messages have really challenged my attitude about the things I hold onto in life and how much I value them.

I have thought lots about living more simply. and I think that was easy for me to think because to an extent, I feel we already live simply on our meager salary [and when I say meager salary I'm referring to disposable income not spent on debts]. but what seems simple to me can be so much simpler. we have many things that we simply did not need to buy. here is an example of some of the things we own that I simply cannot justify in my own head YET still hang on to:

1. my new ipod touch
2. a wireless router
3. five guitars
4. a reputable name brand lcd tv
5. the room in my house that is not used
6. a nice car

I'm sure there's more, but I'm tired and can't think of everything. But why should I be entitled to the above list when so many people lack food, clothing, running water, and medicine? Why did I buy everything above when I could have helped these people in need?

Luke 18:22
When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

Matthew 25:31-40
31"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. 32All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

Isaiah 58:5-7
5 Is this the kind of fast I have chosen, only a day for a man to humble himself? Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed and for lying on sackcloth and ashes? Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the LORD ? 6 "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?
7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

Proverbs 21:13
If a man shuts his ears to the cry of the poor, he too will cry out and not be answered.

ok, God, I get it. I've read many of these verses before.

James 2:14-17
14What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? 15Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. 16If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? 17In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

James 1:22-24
22Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror 24and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.

ok.
ok.
ok.
so I've had to be beaten over the head a few times to get this. I've had to be beaten a few more times to actually accept it. now I need to do something. for the last 2.5 years, Kelley and I have sponsored a child in Kenya, but to me, that's not enough. it's too easy. while it seemed tough to part with the money at first, it really wasn't a huge sacrifice. it wasn't something that we had to stretch our faith on. it wasn't something that we had to sell our possessions for. it was nothing, really. maybe it makes God smirk a little, but probably not much more than that.

while some people have disagreed with me on this, I think this is something many Christians don't take seriously enough. how many times in the bible does God mention feeding/clothing/taking care of the poor? if we wanna measure this by how often it appears in the bible, it seems to be a huge deal to God - and something EVERY person who calls themselves a follower of Christ should be involved in.

why aren't we selling our possessions and giving the money to the poor? because we "need" them? because we think they bring us happiness? because we can't let go?

why should I own 5-6 jackets?
why should I own 5 guitars?
why do I need several pairs of shoes?
why do I have to eat out as often as I do?

here's where I may lose you if I haven't lost you already: some of us, if we're honest with ourselves, convince ourselves that we "need" something because we use it for the purposes of "fellowship" or "ministry".
"I need all these fancy dishes so I can feed my accountability/small group and have them over"
"I need these board/video games so I can comfort my friend when he's down by playing with him."
"I need this 5th guitar because I'm using it for God by playing worship at church"

these are terrible examples, but you get what I'm saying. and I DO think that in a few cases, things like this can be justified. but man, how can you ignore the needs of people hurting all over the world just so you can have another possession?

possessions are addicting in our society, and I think greed is subtly embedded in us from birth. I feel it all the time. in fact, I felt the urge to buy stuff today that I don't need. but the line HAS to be drawn somewhere when you say, "I cannot own this and feel ok about it when others are suffering and I could have helped."

so for the next few days, I'm thinking about what I need to do... you should too.

3 days to make it happen, 10 days to make it happen

what?

3 days: this is how long my weekend is, starting today. this is coming after 7 days of straight working, though. man, I am worn out. but a 3 day weekend is undoubtably noticably more relaxing/productive than the 2 day weekend we're all used to. especially since I feel we lose a day (in a good way) on sundays, when we spend the entire day in gig harbor/fox island. so I typically only have 1 day to get caught up on house/yard work and to actually relax. it's not really sufficient. at all. so today Kelley and I went shopping for some clothes for her... not really so much "relaxing" (I'm actually pretty worn out), but it was good to get out and do something and to not feel like I'm working. tomorrow we'll do some house/yard work and hopefully some writing. maybe play some soccer in between. and then sunday we'll go out and do our sunday usual. all this to say, I wish every weekend was a 3 day weekend. 2 is not enough to make it happen.

10 days: I think this is how long I have left on my facebook fast, which will have lasted approx 40 days at that point. I think I started sometime towards the end of March. the first few weeks were surprisingly easy. this week I've been wanting to actually log in and see what's going on. it's sad. but at the same time, this is how I know what's going on in the lives of my friends... namely those who I don't see much. the disappointing thing is, the reason I did this fast was to focus my life more on my family and my music. I don't think this objective has totally been met. I could say I've spent more time with my family, but I think a lot of it has just gone towards housework... which benefits my family I guess, so that's....good. and the music hasn't been nearly as productive as I had hoped. in the next 10 days, I hope to make this fast more worthwhile.

I'm putting myself on the line

tonight, during a good hang out with our friends Greg and Katie, I made a bold choice. Katie, who is off to a great start as a professional photographer, asked me to do her a favor. she is putting together this slide show for a wedding and found out that it costs quite a bit more than she anticipated to "use" a "real" song. to make a short story shorter, she asked me if I would be interested in writing a song to use in that slide show, and in turn, she would give me credit for the song (by using my name and such).

this is actually not my first time writing a song for a wedding.

when my sister got married in '03, she also asked me to play a song at their wedding. this song had no words, just a little doo-dad I make up that was a 3-4 minutes long. I have no recollection of the song, other than the fact that I used the same tuning used in "narcolepsy" by third eye blind. so it had a somewhat similar feel.

while I have no aspiration to be a wedding singer, I did see a few bene's (benefits) other than helping out a good friend. 1) I haven't really worked at songwriting since Noah was born and 2) this is a good opportunity to force a completed song out of myself.

I have 3 weeks to finish this, so already feeling the pressure, I started tonight. even though I don't know this couple I'm writing the song for, (and probably never will) I am still surprisingly anal about putting out a quality product - plus I don't want to make Katie look bad. so tonight I fiddled around with the acoustic. not happy with what came of it, I switched over to the les paul and came up with a riff I liked. I ended up laying a few tracks down. I think I'm off to a good start. I also finally broke down and learned how to actually use some cool effects with the software I have.

wish me luck - t minus 20 days.

like it or not, time to try something new

I am in a somewhat-constant effort to keep life fresh. whereas some people do pretty much anything to prevent change in their lives, I kind of welcome it like the proverbial breath of fresh air. it does a couple things for me - 1) keeps me from getting bored, 2) challenges me to learn and grow and 3) keeps me from getting more comfortable than I should be. I would say #1 is definitely the main drive behind it, though.

Even still, I have sporadic desires to re-live the past - and actually repeat things I've done before and feelings that I've felt before. there are certain good things I've experienced in my life that I find myself holding onto with a firm grip. these experiences that I attempt to re-create have dug themselves into a semi-permanent place in my heart; I can't really find an alternate method of coping than trying to manipulate the variables in my life to what once was. of course, as one might predict, it is never quite the same.

there are a few things I'm referring to: certain friendships, high school life, college life, experiences being outdoors in washington, experiences in california, experiences on vacations I've taken, and experiences playing music, to be vague and brief. I know that everyone has these memories they cling to and cherish. they might even be as old as childhood. but the truth is, as I catch myself reminiscing, I have to remember that new great memories are being created in the present. and if I spend too much time thinking about the past, I'll miss out on everything great happening in front of my face.

I've come to recognize that when I feel that my life is becoming stale, it's because I'm living in the past. in fact, I realized that just now as I was writing that last sentence [I am humbled by how dense I am sometimes]. but, when I attempt to re-create the past, I am not making the most of what I have now - which is tragic.

up on the horizon, there are a few variables that may need to change. among those that seem the most pressing and impactful are looking for a different church - one with more people in a similar demographic, similar dreams/goals/passions/priorities/etc. I'm not quite sure that kind of place exists locally - we'll see. of course, those aren't the only factors we're considering, just an example. what we'd be leaving behind is 9-10 years of a church where we've been loved, mentored, and challenged by older generations - where we experienced major spiritual growth during our formative years - where we've served in music and youth ministries for 7 years - where we've made some great friends - where we've had the opportunity to mentor and love students and watch them grow up - where we've made great memories. it's not an easy thing to even think about.

from Ecclesiastes 3:

there is a "season for every activity under heaven..."
"a time to plant and a time to uproot"
"a time to keep and a time to throw away"

I don't know what lies ahead for my family, but I do recognize that we need to live life in the present. that we need to always be fresh. that we need to grow to thrive. that we need change in our lives like a splash of cold water in the face every now and again.

we will keep moving forward.

whatever this is, I don't like it.

it's been awhile. life has been busy. work, youth group trips, house cleaning, baby preparing... it seems like the last couple weeks have been somewhat of a whirlwind. so I've been tired a lot.

additionally... I'm experiencing some mild health issues that have made life less than pleasant this last... oh several months. I've told a few people about this, but I've been experiencing some GI (gastrointestinal) issues. when I've told people this, they're like "oh, you have gas". No. I don't have gas (any more than usual anyway). I believe what I have is gastroparesis (or dysmotility). I've done some research and the signs and symptoms involved are pretty much exactly what I'm experiencing: constant nausea, feeling full after only eating a few bites of anything, belching, and feeling full for SEVERAL hours after eating. if my self-diagnosis is correct, my digestive system is unable to process food at a normal rate, which leads to the symptoms I listed. this morning I was full to the max after having a small glass of orange juice.(see my earlier entry about eating a hot dog). at first I thought it was one of those "sympathy pains" that soon-to-be dads experience with their pregnant wife. I don't believe that is the case now. pretty sure it's my own weird thing. in either case, I am going to the doctor about it tomorrow. I've been able to tolerate it recently with the addition of acidophilus (found in yogurt and dietary supplements) in my diet.

there's also this ongoing situation at work that I'm struggling with - I'm trying to find a delicate balance between desiring justice and letting go of my pride. I don't really want to go into details here, but if you really want to know the whole story, feel free to email me. but I could use some prayer in this arena for discernment and wisdom. I wrote a new song tonight that ties into this situation. this will probably be song #2.

in other news, Noah is due in a week and that's exciting. I'm a little nervous with how I'll do in the delivery room. we'll see. the other thing I'm stoked about it putting out an ep this summer. I'm hoping that if I can get at least 1 or 2 more songs written in the next month or two, I can work on recording them and put out a small cd this summer. I am really, really hoping to make it happen by then and maybe playing a few small shows and maybe recruiting a band to play these songs with. I could use some prayer in this arena as well. in fact, this whole journal entry is one big prayer request.

yup. one big prayer request.

the inexpressible

tonight I had some spare time. like an hour and a half or so. not terribly common these days. I thought about working on some music, but I decided I would immerse myself in other peoples' music for awhile. I've found that in my load of itunes gift cards that I got over the holidays/my birthday, I've downloaded quite a bit of coldplay. I'm really diggin the viva la vida album. and the artwork on the album cover...totally a perfect match for the feel of the music on that record. I'm skeptical to use the word brilliant, but whatever the next lower synonym in your vocabulary is - that's what it is.

man, I want to write songs that give take you somewhere. I feel like great songs, especially "lovers in japan/reign of love" and "lost!" (and other non-coldplay songs) totally release a different part of you - release every alter ego you have. they release you from the bounds of your physical location. you could be anywhere. I don't even know if that makes sense. I probably sound like I'm on drugs. it's hard to express the inexpressible. unfortunately, even if I am ever able to create this for other people with my music, I don't know if it would have the same effect on myself. I have this thing that whenever I read something out loud in a group setting I am unable to retain most of what I am reading. I think it's the same with music. I can't feel for myself what I want others to feel with what I create.

but that's what is so beautiful about art. you feel different realities. there are these songs, paintings, photos, films, writings, that use your imagination to take you away while everything else fades to white noise. to me, there are few better things we experience in the human life.

back to the basics...

I think that for the believer that has been on the journey of faith for awhile, it's easy to get sidetracked. for me, it's always been easy to be sidetracked by worship music, specific theological opinions on various topics, making sure my testimony "sounds good", fellowship with others, caring for the poor and needy, making sure my high school students feel cared for, etc. sometimes I feel like I haven't even done these things well due to other distractions in my life, but this is what I've tried to do.

those are all great things, but sometimes I've even forgotten WHY I am doing all this. they seem like good things to do in and of themselves, so I don't always remember the greater purpose. I just want to do those things "right" and I think that I sometimes deceive myself by believing that they ARE the greater purpose. I think that's easy to do because so much faith-based media focuses heavily on those things. there are cds, videos, books, and all kinds of stuff that focuses on different aspects of living the christian life outwardly.

these practical outward-based acts of faith are great, but without a clean, pure, and obedient heart, you are just a nice guy. the inward acts of faith are just as important. so another way that I am trying to get back to basics is through simple obedience. I've been seeing that word in various shapes and forms over the past few months, and I'll admit, I've ignored it to an extent. ok, a huge extent. in fact, let's be honest, sometimes I've ignored it all together. last night I explained my lack of obedience as doing what God doesn't want me to do and NOT doing what he does want me to do. I've got the double-whammy on disobedience. in what regards, you might ask? well, obeying in prayer, reading the bible, giving cheerfully (not just tithing), and talking to people. and then in things I should be staying away from: envy, lust, and pride* sometimes I write off acts of obedience as not practical, not me, and not really being from God. I think that over time, my heart that was once malleable has become hardened significantly. I have recognized that faith is terribly inadequate without obedience. I wish I could give that statement more weight. no matter how well I live in other regards, my faith is fake without obeying. so is yours.

so I am on the road to recovery.


* a side note on pride. pride is a funny thing. I don't consider myself a prideful guy. I don't get mad when I lose something and I don't usually have a difficult time admitting when I am wrong. but I do struggle with feeling superior about musical ability, my education level, and oddly enough, my income. I don't even make that much money, that's the funny thing. but these things do get the best of me in terms of pride. in fact, on second thought, my musical ability and education level aren't that great either. and the part that's hard to swallow sometimes is that God can take each and every one of those things away from me at any moment. they are, indeed, blessings to be used wisely, not things to be proud of.